Heal Yourself

For me, I guess the biggest struggle has been depression. I like to use seasonal terms for my different energy states. I went through about a five year winter soon after my very existential period when I was about 15. I think part of the reason the five year winter dragged on so long was that for most of it, I did not want to let myself sink too deep into depression because I was afraid of never coming out of it. When I finally did, I had the privilege of being able to quit my serving job and basically do nothing in my grandpa's apartment in Milan, other than be in my room, scrolling and crying all day. I had this sense that I needed to let myself go all the way in, really feel the depression, in order to let the cycle finish and be ready to feel something different. I did that this time as well. I did my own little darkness retreat in my room, where I completely blacked out everything. It was pitch black, and I stayed in there for three days and reflected on the chaotic evil summer that I had. I sensed that I needed to forgive myself on a deep level, forgive my inner child, in order to feel like I could move on and apologize. I am so grateful to be feeling like I am on the path to doing things that feel like purpose.